A few times over the years, after I’ve gotten to know a person and would consider them a good friend, they have mustered up the courage to tell me that upon our first meeting, I intimidated them and seemed standoffish.  The first time someone told me this I was completely shocked because I remembered our first meeting and I thought I was rather outgoing, for me.  I made intentional efforts to talk when my norm would be to keep to myself and be quiet.  And yet, despite my efforts, despite tremendous effort to counteract my anti-social tendency, I was sized up to be standoffish.

I’ve never been very comfortable in new social settings.  I much prefer a small group over a large crowd.  I’ll often determine IF I go to a certain event and HOW LONG I plan to stay at an event based on how crowded it is supposed to be.  I don’t like crowds, and I very much don’t like the process of meeting new people.

I recognize that old friends all started out as new acquaintances, but my limit for the friends circle seems much lower than others, who are much more extroverted.  And I’m good with that, except when it leads me to come across as standoffish.

Case in point — Mondays are swim-day amongst my mommy friends new me.  We all load up the kids and pile out at a friend’s home for an afternoon of swimming.  My kids and I had plans to have dinner with our host after swim time, so as everyone else was packing up and leaving, we were lingering and enjoying some extra swim time.

That’s when he appeared.  Some fella I’d never seen before, with two children in tote.  It was odd because swim time was over. It was odd because I couldn’t recall ever a dad coming to swim time — the dads are usually at work, and it’s us momma’s that gather for some fellowship.  And yet they walked through the deck area into the pool area.

I gave the socially standard hello and continued to condense our belongings into a single pile.  This must be her brother, I finally concluded as all the pieces fit together.  Why didn’t I stop for 5 seconds, offer a hello with an outstretched hand to properly introduce myself?  I know the answer to that, it’s the same reason I didn’t extend my hand later…

A short while later Jessica, our host, was in the pool area braiding my daughters’ hair.  Jessica asks if I’ve been introduced to her brother, Sam, yet.  “Not formally,” I replied.

So I walked into the pool area for the necessary introduction.  “Melissa, this is my brother Sam.  Sam this is our friend Melissa. She is the Mama to these four kiddos.”

“Hi Sam, nice to meet you.  I’ve heard a lot about you.” I replied, standing in the same place.

Standoffish, I am certain I appear standoffish.  I could extend my hand and complete the formality of the introduction, but I won’t.  I will continue to stand here.

I simply (and maybe selfishly) don’t want to deal with the handshake ordeal.  I am right side affected and my hand is very noticeably affected.  (I write about the handshake debate and the three kinds of people rather extensively here).  I did not want to find out which category he fell into.  I did not want the embarrassment of it in front of my friend or in front of my children. I did not want to emotional challenge to recover from the handshake encounter, the pressure to shake it off and act like all is well.  I took the selfish way out and as I offered a friendly hello from a safe distance.

What he thinks of me, I don’t know.  I don’t think I care much what he thinks of me, other than a desire to improve in this area of my life.  I wonder what my friend saw as I said hello to her brother, if anything.  In all likelihood, she has no opinion and the incident was not and is not at all on her radar.  She probably didn’t notice anything strange.  I said hello.  I was polite and friendly.  I did nothing rude or disrespectful, I simply did not shake his hand.

Is that a big deal?